I used to fear for my sanity every single day



you remember that time

when I told you


we had by then

had ten too many beers

and you got so angry that I feared

you were going to do something

we’d both regret

in order to protect me


I cried but I also said

I was going to be alright

and I carried that weight with me in silence

and it haunted me down

waking me up at night

following me at every corner

I couldn’t watch orange is the new black because

that one actress’ cheeks reminded me of him

but when finally the results came

and we had been apart for almost a year already

I texted you and told you I was fine

you were happy for me


I had gone mad

wasn’t speaking to anyone

couldn’t get close to anyone

buried myself in books and essays as a distraction

seeking support and for someone who had gone through it too

and then I found them in some ways also


I went to Africa and couldn’t

find joy in the children playing

not a jewel in the misery and loneliness

alienated I

was there only on behalf of the me I was before


and then years later I

was working but it didn’t click and I

started crying

and I didn’t stop for days

a pattern I had come to recognize


fuck all that I said to a therapist

the triggers and the tears and the depression

I have found love again

she is the love of my life


of course she wasn’t but at least I knew

in all the insanity I still had potential

to love and care and give it all

to someone

other than myself


(I used to fear for my sanity every single day)






About the author:

I am a lesbian intersectional feminist who loves to read books and write thoughts down;

I mostly travel around in search of new adventures and cultures to learn from!



Credits:


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