Why do we sometimes feel like we don’t deserve a good gesture from a stranger, not even one from a person we consider a friend? Why sometimes, despite always being willing to offer a helping hand to others, think that they would only receive it back, if the other has some hidden interest behind the action? Why do some consider mutual love as the hardest goal to reach and always expect the partner to just disappear, without any explanation, for they don’t consider themselves worthy enough of reason for extinguished feelings?
It seems that no matter how far and often one would travel, how independent one would be, how many scenarios he or she would encounter and how many lessons that person would learn, they still can maintain a quality of innocence inside of them. In my scenario, I start to believe that that innocence- that absurd opinion, that humanity is defined by kindness, by humble motives and by respect and appreciation towards the other- is rather considered a weakness in our day-to-day reality. And at one point I even start to see myself as stupid, with that permanent smile and shy politeness, when encountering the other, for most of the times, the response I would receive would be of a cold, suspicious look. With a spoiled childhood and with the teenage years where the main source of inspiration was the fiction of literature and cinematography, I often tend to believe that real people will manifest as fictive characters.
I inevitably end up being let down, even hurt. And I don’t even need to open the TV or read the news, in order to confront the harsh reality, the massacre we can cause as humans, under the false impression, that we are being sent by some higher power, to take over a world everyday more disorganized, only to later become witness to nature’s protest regarding our misbehaviour. I can just leave the house and I will inevitably notice how each and every one follows his own purpose, even if it means stepping on somebody else’s path.
The question raised at the beginning of this written meditation regards an attitude I chose as emotional and psychological protection from the coldness of human beings- maybe a coldness they also use as a shield. I often made the mistake- and I must admit, I still don’t see it as a mistake, but some may call it that- of thinking that if one decides to replace me easily, to never fight for my staying, to forget a shared past, is simply my fault, for not „being worthy enough“. What would happen next is isolation and permanent scepticism, knowing that every new person will follow the same superficial pattern and abuse it till they get used and bored, constantly starting to search for the new, for the update.
Maybe I am wrong and I would love to be argued against this more deeply rooted opinion, but for now, I will still consider the generation of the contemporary one motivated by permanent hunger for fulfilling as many desires as possible, in the accomplishment for the self- which is maybe the biggest development of our society, but which also comes with the neglect of the ones around us. Some consider me a negativist, but I would rather expect the worst, or not expect anything in the first place, only to maybe be pleasantly surprised in the end. Still, that will not mean, that I would continue to give my best, as much as personal powers allow, and to open the arms for the other, knowing that maybe she or he will them closed, when I would need them open, not forgetting at the same to lock the inner self, even if that would mean turning into a respectful automaton… maybe exactly what our society needs right now.
About the author:
With a passion for culture, psyche, exploring the world, and coming in contact with an infinite number of stories, I studied theatre, film and media, in sociology, along with writing at the University of Vienna. I tend to find beauty in every single element, while always attempting to fully live every experience, to archive it in the form of photography and written word. Not one day goes by for me without a journalistic discovery, an interview recorded or articles structured. If I would have to set a goal for the future, it would be to find an equilibrium between constant academic research and my engagement in international opportunities. My desired engagement is on a multidisciplinary level, in a never-ending journey while also trying to discover the fluidity of the self, complementing the world around me with the goal of having a small impact in pressing global issues.