Eventually, fearfully brought up her eyes
and looked at the stranger in the reflection.
She was now caught in a tornado of time
As thoughts and voices from her past circled her
None of them her own.
She re-lived those agonising moments,
Those everlasting memories,
Seconds is all it took
All it took to remember
To remember the pain –
The pain she had never admitted to or showed,
As if all those unspoken words had balled up in her throat
Becoming the lump –
The lump that she felt choke her every now and then
The lump she felt when holding back her tears
Yet when she was alone,
Those tears would flow
Forming into the words that were once left unsaid.
She could cry an ocean,
It still wouldn't have been enough –
Enough to get rid of it
To get rid of that weight she carried around
She didn't want to go
Not with that weight still on her
She felt she deserved it.
She didn't trust or open up
She couldn't say those three wonderful words
She couldn't show affection the way she wanted to
She lived everything silently,
In her head,
But she felt
She felt every single thing
As if it were her own.
She avoided looking into her own eyes
As if she were shy –
Shy of that kid she once was.
She whispered under her breath
She had told herself that same lie
Countless of times.
A lie that eventually lasted for years
When she would say it truthfully.
But she broke,
She broke again,
The agony was far too real to endure.
There is a certain beauty to consciousness
And a certain pain to it too
Once you try and escape
And once you succeed
Brought back to reality is a torturous procedure.
The todays became tomorrows,
The tomorrows are now yesterdays,
Through the endless spiral of relapsing and recovering
One day she said today and meant it
But this time it was different,
This time it was her own voice
This time there were no words left unsaid.
drawing by joy